Kick start

My blog has been in state of suspended animation since its start some months ago. I've been busy of course with other things, but there is also an other reason. Some internal obstacle seems to prevent me from readily and freely start throwing my words and thoughts at the world out there. The more I construct to myself an idea of a reader, the more obstructions arise. Am I going to be too revealing? Am I making any sense? Am I not revealing enough? Am I being nice enough?
Especially this last question is one I run into more often. Louis Ferdinand Celine writes somewhere that most of his creativity is an expression of anger, in other words he is aware of the fact that his writing is a sublimation of his rage. And that is both obvious and beautiful in his work. But people are a little bit afraid of negative emotions, and especially in the commercial context I am operating in at this stage of my life. I constantly have to hear how much you have to avoid reference to "negative" emotions. I find this quite paralysing to be frank. And it makes me even more angry than I sometimes am. I decide therefore today that I will not shy away from expressing negative feelings in my writing, damned be convention! There is no love without hate, no order without chaos, no good without bad. I have produced some of my most exciting passages in a state of being utterly overwhelmed with negative emotions like despair and fury. So there.